Clutching at Straws
by Georgiana1234
Summary: Bella is refusing to wear her ring. Shock horror! But when a little compromise leads to disastrous consequences how will edward and Bella cope clutching at straws? Funniest fanfiction yet
1. Compromise

**AN: Now this is just a starter chapter and I think we all know what I think of those so far but anyway. If you enjoy my other fanfics you will defo like this one! I think it's the funniest yet! I had some help from princessezzzy though so read her fanfictions!**

**Chapter One: Compromise**

Alice and Rosalie bounced happily on the four poster bed in Edward's room. They wooped and screamed and occasionally there would be a dull thud as the hit their head on the ceiling, cracking it's smooth white surface. Edward looked on disapprovingly from the coach which Bella securely sat on his knee doing her algebra homework, safe from this particular activity (but not from lack of trying).

"What's the answer to question 3?" she asked, Edward frowned.

"X7" Bella smiled and jotted down the answer, flipping through her textbook. Edward watched her hands, scowling. "Bella…" Bella froze, she knew this was bound to come sooner or later but she had hoped that she wouldn't have to deal with it yet. "You're not wearing your ring." Bella coughed.

"No I'm not." She tried to say it casually but there was a little quiver towards the end and Edward smiled. She continued flipping through the book although she had passed the page she had been looking for ages ago. Edward waiting about a minute for effect.

"Why not?" Bella dropped all pretence, dropping the book to the floor and folding her arms defiantly.

"You know why?" He pressed his nose to her shoulder.

"Remind me." He whispered seductively and Bella gave up.

"Well it's just so showy!" she complained. "I can't wear it out in public because people keep staring at it and if Charlie ever saw it…"

"I thought Charlie has already seen it." Bella muttered something. "What do you mean not exactly?!" Edward exclaimed (hense the exclamation mark).

"It's embarrassing!" Bella waled and stuffed her face into his chest so that she couldn't see her cheeks which were scarlet. "I want a normal ring!"

"It is a normal ring." He raised an eyebrow. "And most ladies would be proud to show off a diamond ring." Bella groaned and he rolled his eyes. "Look, Bella, I read this relationship book and…" Bella's head shot up to give him a horrified look.

"You've been reading relationship books!?"

"Just the one actually." He smiled again. "I borrowed it from the library." Bella stuffed her face back into his chest as he cheeks reached the colour of a blushing firetruck.

"The local library?" she hardly needed to ask.

"Yup! The librarian there, she's very nice, Vera I think her name was, was very helpful even said you could come and talk her if you had problems. She knows Charlie you see…" Bella pounded Edward with her fists. "Anyway…I read that relationships are all about compromise so if you can find a ring that is…to your liking, and that I approve of, then you can wear that instead." Bella's head appeared again and she smiled.

"Really?" Bella put her arms around his neck and he smiled.

"Really!" he grinned and Bella's heart hammered against her ribcage.

The wooping, which had been getting steadily louder from behind them stopped abruptly when Alice went through the plaster of the ceiling with a crash, wedging her head in the hole. Her arms and Legs flailed but her muffled shouts were completely masked by Rosalie who rolled off the beds and proceeded to have, what looked like a fit on the floor, shaking the floor with her laughter.

Bella liked loopholes especially where Edward was concerned.

"A keyring?"

"No!"

"a ringbinder?"

"No!"

"A donut?"

"No!"

"What about a piece of ivy?"

"No!"

"a RINGed condom"

"It's rimmed Bella and No!

"A party ring?" (For all American readers this is a ring shaped biscuit but you might have them too)

"No!"

"Onion ring!?"

"No!"

"Napkin ring?"

"No!"

"Rubber ring?"

"No!"

By the time Bella had to go home to Charlie Edward was exhausted, well….if vampires can get exhausted and with a weary heart he drove Bella home that night.

"I'll come and pick you up tomorrow, I'm going hunting tonight." He was tempted to add "so I don't kill you." But just smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'll have loads more suggestions by then!" Bella reached the door, turning to grin at him.

"Ring of fire?" Edward chuckled.

"You're clutching at straws Bella. She smiled and he drove away.

The next day dawned bright and sunny and Edward pulled up in his silver chariot, ready to whisk his fair maiden away on yet another day of bliss and romance. He rung the doorbell twice and it sprung open almost instantly.

"Cullen!"

"Good morning Charlie." Edward said brightly but Chief Swan glared at him.

"Cullen you cheapskate!" he bellowed. "I thought maybe you'd be able to atleast buy my daughter a decent engagement ring before you whisked her away from me but NO!" His saliva had started collecting on Edward's face and he tried to stop himself from screwing up his eyes against. Bella appeared behind Charlie, grinning for all she was worth. Charlie grabbed her left hand and shoved it towards Edward. Edward recoiled from the tiny red loop of string that was tied round her finger.

"I told you dad!" Bella said in mock annoyance. "Edward's very into this hole Cabala thing!" Edward's face clouded over in confusion, clearly he didn't read heat magazine, Bella sighed.

"Chief Swan…" Edward stuttered. Bella gave him a triumphant look from behind her father, sticking her tongue out. "Chief Swan I did get Bella an engagement ring, Bella tell him!" Charlie wheeled around, catching Bella in the middle of her victory dance, it wasn't often that she won over Edward. She froze.

"Bella, is this true." He raged and she too got screwed up her eyes.

"Maybe…" Edward stuck his tongue back at her. "But you don't want to see it dad…it's silly." Charlie scowled.

"I say if I want to see it or not young Lady!" Bella rolled her eyes.

"Fine, I'll go and get it." She trapsed upstairs, leaving Edward standing in the doorway with a heavy, awkward silence hanging over both vampire and man.

"So…picked flowers for the wedding yet?" Charlie's stab at conversation was pathetic.

"Alice was thinking lilies."

"Lillies…yeah. Me and Renée had lilies."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

Another silence.

"And how about the…" but Edward was spared this promisingly tedious question from a small noise behind him, Bella popped her head round the door and Edward spun round.

"Erm…Edward, I need to talk to you." Edward blinked. "Alone…in my room." Bella gritted her teeth and gestured manically. Edward shrugged and followed her upstairs leaving a frankly bemused Charlie standing alone in the kitchen.

Edward stared around the room in amazement. It was a tip! Completely trashed.

"It's gone!" Bella said frantically. "Gone!" Edward's jaw dropped open.

"Gone?!?!?"

"Yes!" she clutched his shoulders. "It must have fallen off the windowsill." She muttered to herself absentmindedly. Edward gawped.

"Why was it on windowsill in the first place!?" Bella looked shifty.

"Well…I couldn't risk Charlie finding it so I decided to keep it where he would never find it."

"What!"

"Don't worry, I have the box" Bella heald up the empty velvet shell and Edward sank down on her bed.

"Was the box open?" Bella looked down at her shoes.

"It made a pretty rainbow when it was sunny."

"When did you last see it?"

"Yesterday." Bella put her finger to her mouth. "Or was it the day before…I can never remember when my jewellery goes missing."

"So this has happened before!"

"Oh yes, I always keep my jewellery on the window sill and it doesn't stay there that long." She seemed a little too cheerful about this.

"You mean…the emerald necklaces I gave you…the ruby earings…the sapphire bracelet…"

"Yup, yup, yup." Edward stood up.

"Why did you tell anyone?" Bella looked a little upset.

"Well you always get so upset about these kinda things. Carlisle is always at work. Esme just says she's DIS-O-POINTED in me. Alice is running out of languages to translate bar bar blacksheep into. Emmett isn't the subtlest of people in the world (I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to hide). Rosalie always grassing me up par example the cliff incident. And Jasper, well Jasper's not really my homy!"

"Never say that again!" Edward shook her by the shoulders. Bella opened her mouth to reply that she was one of the youth of the modern town and she was aloud to "get down and jiggy with the new lingo" if she wanted, when Edward spotted a glint in the sun from outside.


	2. Woodpecker

**Chapter Two: Woodpecker**

Bella took a run up and leapt towards the window. Fortunately Edward had merely to lazily stretch out one finger to stop her from hurtling through it. She dangled there for a minute, her arms crossed, she had learnt long ago that struggling was no good when dealing with superhuman beings. Edward sighed, setting her on back on her feet.

"I shall go and get it" he sneered, eyebrows waved. Bella's eyebrows furrowed.

"I'll go and get it." She mocked in a high squeaky voice under her breath as Edward started climbing out the window, dropping nimbly onto his feet like a cat. She followed him, hitching her skirt up. Edward moved around bellow her, his arms outstretched a worried frown stretched over him perfect features. Bella scowled and dropped, he caught her as though she had been a half her size and set her down on the grass next the tall tree which stood on the outskirts on the forest.

"Your gonna climb that?" Bella whispered in awe. Edward smiled.

"Jacob's done it." He grinned and Bella scowled again.

"Boys!" she muttered. "So competitive!" Edward approached the roots of the tree and started inching herself up it. Bella watched him, thinking to herself. He was a lot less graceful when climbing trees she mused. Now where had she seen that method before?

"Mogli." Said a voice from next to her. "From the jungle book." She whipped around and saw Alice who was gazing up at him aswell. She grasped a video camera in her hands and was pointing it intently at the tree.

"Alice what…" but Alice interrupted.

"I had a vision." She winked and zoomed in on Edward who had reached one of the top most branches and was shimmying along it.

Edward could see the nest now and hitched himself up onto the branch so that he was crawling along it, the twinkley light obscuring his vision slightly. At last he reached it and there in the centre was the beautiful antique his mother had given him all those many years ago. It lay in a tangle of all manner of strange and shiny objects. Some bottle tops, a pair of cufflinks (which read chief swan) and, Edward gave a little cry of delight, Bella emerald necklace. He snatched the nest and swung down, preparing to turn and return back along the branch when he noticed something odd. A pair of beaky, bottle green eyes were watching him from inside a feathery face.

Alice was still filming from below, she licked her lips in atticipation.

"Alice what-?" but Alice shushed her.

"Shhhh, it's about to get good."

"Oh hi little fellow" Edward cooed, balancing himself on the branch to face the ravishing woodpecker with it's fabulous emerald green plumage. The bird's eyes narrowed as it's gaze rested on the nest now clutched in Edward's right hand. Edward frowned. "This couldn't be yours." He whispered to himself. "I mean your not a mag-ahhhhhhh" the bird launched itself towards him, knocking him from the branch and causing him to fall fifty feet to the ground below. Bella screamed and Alice scowled at her.

"Shhhh, your ruining the sound quality."

Edward writhed on the ground, batting the bird away from his face. Bella rushed forward and the bird turned on her, chasing her round and round the small yard.

"Bella?" Charlie's worried voice came from inside the TV room. "Are you alright up there?"

"I'm Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine" she bellowed as the bird pecked her in the small of the back. Edward jumped to him feet and grabbed Bella, slinging her over one shoulder and they raced away followed by a frantic Alice.

A few minutes later Edward slammed the door of the Cullen's house and turned to Bella. "Oh my god Bella, this is a disaster, what are we going to do!"

"Calm down Edward!" Bella bellowed at him.

"This is absolutely awful! We should find Carlisle and tell him immediately, he'll know what to do!"

"What can he do Edward and anyway this is our fault not his!" there was a small cough from behind them and they turned to see the occupants of a large dinner table which had been set out in the middle of the sitting room staring at them in awe.

"Edward dear, what's wrong?" Esme whispered. Edward opened his mouth but Bella shook her head.

"Edward, she'll just say she'll DIS-A-POINTED with me, we can't tell her the truth." Edward raised himself up to his full height.

"I'm sorry Bella but they need to know the truth." He said in an overly loud voice. Bella scowled at him. "We've lost them, we've lost the children!"

"What?" Bella hissed.

"What?" Esme intoned, rising from her seat at the dinner table. "Children? What Children."

"Well…Carlisle's relations of course." Edward stammered. "Don't you remember, they're in town this week, flew in from…Austria just this morning, we were looking after them." Esme looked bewildered and so would anybody if someone told them that their husband had a secret blood line they didn't know about. Fortunately Carlisle was not there at the moment so he did not get the chance to look bewildered.

"Well we must look for them!" Esme said shrilly and her guests started nodding and getting up from the table.

"Not there really isn't any need!" Bella stammered.

"Oh no! I insist!" Esme glided forward. "Where did they go missing?" Bella turned to Edward in anguish.

"In…in the forest." Esme looked to the heavens.

"Poor little lambs, come we must look for them at one." She beckoned to her equisitly dressed dinner guests who followed her out the door towards the forest.

"Yeah." Edward yelled after her, looking up at the sky case the bird were to swoop down on them at any second. "Yeah you do that any we'll just stay here and…yeah!" he slammed the door and grabbed Bella's hand. "We have to make sure there are no ways, of entry. There was a slam as the back door of the kitchen slammed and Edward whirled around, staring frantically at Bella who grabbed Emmett's tennis racket which lay on the stairs. Edward grabbed a post from the end of the stairs. They advanced towards the kitchen in trepidation. A moment later the door burst open and they both launched themselves forward, lashing out with their weapons.

"Ahh, what, what!" Carlisle yelled and they stopped. "What is going on?" he bellowed at them, Bella shrunk back onto Edward's chest. Carlisle looked around. "Where has everyone gone?"

"More to the point…" said Edward, his voice was hurried and suspicious. "…where have you been…hmmm…hmmm?" Carlisle frowned at him. I was checking for a leak outside there was a kinda dripping, pecking sound and I went to see what it…"

"Pecking?" Bella said in horror, edging away from Carlisle who frowned even more in confusion.

"Yes…anyway where is everyone!"

"Oh they've gone." Bella mumbled going scarlet.

"Gone, gone, gone where?"

"To the fair." Edward chipped in. "It's the last day that it is in town and you do know how much Esme loves a fair." His words were hurried and his body went tense.

"No I didn't actually." Carlisle mused, staring round at the half cleared dinner plates. "How very odd?"

"Anyway…you better go join her!" Edward said, chivvying him towards the door.

"What?"

"Yes, she was anxious for you to follow her." Bella piped up.

"But…where is it?"

"Oh I don't know, Washington, Forks maybe, you'll find it. Hey won't that be fun!"

"But-"

"Go go go, fun fun fun!" Edward pushed him out the door, slamming it forcedly and Bella sank to her knees.

"WHEN WILL THE LIES STOP EDWARD!!!! We've sent those poor people to their deaths! It's trying to turn us against eachother!"

"It?"

"It!!!" Bella screamed and pointed to one of the large windows where, to Edward's horror, the woodpecker hovered, pecking at the glass.

"I feel like it's pecking on my brain!!" Bella yelled, pressing her hands to her head. "Make it stop Edward!!!" Edward rushed the curtains and yanked them shut, the pecking stopped.

"I think it's gone." Edward shivered and came to sit next to Bella on the floor, the both rocked backwards and fourth in time to the pattering of rain outside.

Alice sighed as she opened the door, Jasper lay, stretched out on their bed with a comic book. She frowned.

"Why are you reading that?" Alice asked, closing the door. Jasper looked up and placed the comic down on the tottering pile next to him.

"It's Emmett's private stash. I've been searching for it for days, he's very meticulous about the hiding place after Rosalie burned the last ones, she says they're a bad influence on him after he did a Bella and jumped off that building last summer. The poor guy was convinced he was superman." He grinned.

"And what do you want with them?"

"Oh nothing" Jasper said casually thinking of the shoebox of pokemon cards he would trade for them later that day. Alice didn't approve of pokemon cards; she said they brought out the worst in him. Alice sighed and crossed over to the book shelf, removing a layer of books and placing a newly burnt DVD inside a blank case. It now had "Edward gets attacked by a woodpecker" scrawled on it in permanent marker.

"A classic, a real classic." She muttered, placing it on the shelf between. "Edward gets attacked by a grizzly" and "Edward gets attacked by a hive of bees." "We'll have to get Rose to do some cover art for this one, she's a dab hand at drawing him when he's in frantic pain," she admired the front of "Edward gets attacked by fangirls" in which Edward's hand was depicted waving about above a crowd of hysterical girls.

"Which one shall we have tonight?" She asked Jasper and he crossed over to her, plucking "Edward gets attacked by horny tiger" from the shelf and popped it in the DVD player.

**AN: Hope you liked this chapter, there is more to come! Please review xxx**


	3. Protection

**Chapter Three: Protection**

The woodpecker circled, vulture like, over the Cullen's house. It watched as one by one the curtains were hastily slammed together by a blur of orange and white which he had learned to associate with its enemy.

"Edward it's no use!" Bella frantically whispered as she hobbled along behind him. Bella's hobbling was mainly down to the strange 'protection' she had adopted. She wore a royal blue helmet adorned with numerous stripes and two strips of velcro on the top (regular readers of my fanfictions will recognise this as Rosalie's Bella ball helmet and for that I salute you!), a dustbin lid on her chest and tennis rackets on her shoes. In her left hand she brandished a hockey stick to the end of which she had strapped a knife (this she had aptly named her 'spear'). "We might as well surrender."

"Oh no…" Edward's voice was quiet, dangerously so. "I haven't waited a hundred years so I can get pecked apart by a common woodpecker….no we're gonna fight this out." Bella pushed the helmet, which had fallen down over her eyes up (Rosalie's head was considerably bigger than Bella's it seems.) and pondered this for a moment. But before she could say anything Edward gave a yell of realisation and grabbed her hand, attempting to hurry off down the corridor. Bella tried to run after him but she was somewhat handicapped and the best she could manage was a kind of waddling dance which sent the spear teeth chatteringly close to her eyes.

"Edward!" she yelled after him questioningly as he grabbed her and slung her over one shoulder to speed the process along. "Put me down Edward" the tennis rackets thumped into Edward's chest as Bella kicked to free herself. "What th…" and then Edward uttered one word, a word to this day haunts Bella's very darkest nightmares.

The word was "Chimneys." Bella gave a gasp as he dropped her next to the fireplace outside Alice and Jasper's room. Bella peered up the chimney and gave a little squeak as she recognised the dark silhouette obscuring the light from the darkening sky. The bird tucked its wings in and started to slowly to advance down the narrow passage as it recognised the bright white face which momentarily appeared below it.

"Ahhh!!! Ahhh!!!" Bella dropped her spear and hobbled away, screaming at the top of her voice. "Ahhh!!! Ahhh!!!" She tripped on the stars and went rolling into the living room, bashing into the glass table which shattered. Edward looked after her; helplessly searching for something, anything that would momentarily spare him from the inevitable pecking bananza which would face him should the chimney remain unblocked. Alice came out of their bedroom.

"Edward what the…?" But Edward had grabbed her, shoving her up the chimney. "Edward Anthony Mason Cullen!!! What are you…wait what's that, ahhhh no, no not the face, get away!" Edward dusted his hands, running down to Bella who was shaking glass from her dustbin lid with pleasant tinkling sounds; he grabbed her and the nest which they had discarded earlier, heading for the door and out into the driving rain. Unnoticed by Edward, the emerald necklace dangled from the table's dented frame.

Bella bolted the front door and started piling objects against it. Edward sat forlornly at the kitchen table. After a while Bella came to sit next to him.

"Who am I?" Edward whispered staring at his soot ridden hands. "What have I become? My own sister."

"You had to do it Edward. For us." Bella took Edward's face in her hands and he stared despairingly at her.

"But Bella…where shall we go, what shall we do? This will be the first place it looks, it's bound to realise Alice isn't me any minute now and it'll come for us…"

"We'll stay here for now." Bella whispered pulling his head against her chest. "It's alright." She was very close to starting to hum her lullaby but decided that would be too much of a role reversal.

Rosalie strolled through the front door, discarding her bag on the couch.

"Hey Rosalie." Jasper said casually, unaware of the muffled screams of his wife issuing from upstairs. "Why you so late home?" Rosalie suddenly looked shifty.

"Erm…netball practice." She hid behind a magazine.

"Oh ok" Rosalie breathed easily again. Jasper would've have just laughed at her, they all would if they knew; needle work was not a respected skill in the Cullen house.

"So how did the table get broken?" she hastily changed the subject.

"Not sure…Bella and Edward must have down it." Rosalie frowned.

"Esme isn't gonna like it, that's the third time this week."

"Yeah…well better go, me and Alice are having a movie night, which reminds me we need you to do some cover work for this new one."

"Sure, sure." Rosalie wasn't paying attention; she was peering down at the smashed remains of the table where something lay glittering. An emerald necklace very much like the one she had begged Emmett to get her last year, she stretched out her hand to it but at that moment there was a yell from upstairs (Jasper had finally dislodged his wife from the chimney and was feeling her wrath.). She turned sharply and when she looked back, the necklace was gone.

**AN: ….DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN!!!!**

**Quite a short chapter but it should be updating soon. Hope you enjoyed it and I love hearing what people think so please review!**


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